Vacation does not feel so good. I have worked a bit to clear some time so we can play and guess what ....we are not playing..ugh!!!
We went to a little birthday party for Othniel yesterday afternoon. Chris did not feel well so we needed to leave after about an hour. I felt very cheated......out of a good time that I wanted to have. Chris has alot of chest congestion and generally looks pretty pale and clammy...not a pretty sight. Nevertheless, I am having a pity party about this vacation going down the toilet. It was bad enough not really having any money to do something really good but now I feel stuck just waiting for Chris to brighten up....and why is it my job to put together the fun, figure out how to pay for it and generally do all the other stuff that needs to happen. I am thinking that we need to regroup.
I do know that I have to take responsibility for my happiness....and probably looking into joining the Peace Corps was more of a reaction to my pity party than a burning desire to do something wonderful with my life..or was it? Right after college, I planned to go to St. Thomas, USVI to teach and save the world. When that plan didn't work out, I settled into a life teaching in the public schools for the next 28 years. Commitment is definitely going to be an issue on any future endeavors. I definitely don't want to feel stuck into my work. I know that I am so good at 'making things work' regardless of whether it is truly a good fit for me that I have to stay aware of that inner voice of knowing....knowing my purpose and keeping that the focus, not making something work for the sake of ...whoever or whatever.
I hope this pity party passes...I feel like I've been stuck in it for a while and I want to scream. I also notice that I haven't been writing....anything. Could that be effecting this lovely mood of the blues that I've been in for a bit?