Time for the Pity Party to End....

Vacation does not feel so good. I have worked a bit to clear some time so we can play and guess what ....we are not playing..ugh!!!
We went to a little birthday party for Othniel yesterday afternoon. Chris did not feel well so we needed to leave after about an hour. I felt very cheated......out of a good time that I wanted to have. Chris has alot of chest congestion and generally looks pretty pale and clammy...not a pretty sight. Nevertheless, I am having a pity party about this vacation going down the toilet. It was bad enough not really having any money to do something really good but now I feel stuck just waiting for Chris to brighten up....and why is it my job to put together the fun, figure out how to pay for it and generally do all the other stuff that needs to happen. I am thinking that we need to regroup.

I do know that I have to take responsibility for my happiness....and probably looking into joining the Peace Corps was more of a reaction to my pity party than a burning desire to do something wonderful with my life..or was it? Right after college, I planned to go to St. Thomas, USVI to teach and save the world. When that plan didn't work out, I settled into a life teaching in the public schools for the next 28 years. Commitment is definitely going to be an issue on any future endeavors. I definitely don't want to feel stuck into my work. I know that I am so good at 'making things work' regardless of whether it is truly a good fit for me that I have to stay aware of that inner voice of knowing....knowing my purpose and keeping that the focus, not making something work for the sake of ...whoever or whatever.

I hope this pity party passes...I feel like I've been stuck in it for a while and I want to scream. I also notice that I haven't been writing....anything. Could that be effecting this lovely mood of the blues that I've been in for a bit?

Packing in all in

This week is the week before Chris has some vacation time. I am also taking time off from my life. I have no yoga classes and I may only squeeze one tutoring session in next week. I am trying to get all my plans finished so that I can really take time off....even mentally, especially mentally.

We haven't planned anything specific for next week and I am thinking we need to get some plans made or the week will go by and we really won't get a change from our usual, rutfilled rountines! I wish we could go away and really get a change of pace but that is not going to happen this year. I feel a list coming on with fun day activities that we could do and enjoy. Going to the beach in late afternoon, picnics, movies we want to see, concerts in the park, taking the boat from Providence to Newport and exploring...all things that will be good to plan and do. Home days for kitchen prep...maybe doing a bit more of the demolition and then some! Lots of packing away stuff. Do the fun stuff first and then demo stuff later.

Why am I packing all this in??? I need to change my thinking on the inner clock.

What is this???

I have been reading the knitting blogs and I feel like jumping in! It been a while since I took a spin around the needles but the zen of knitting is calling to me. This brings me to a questions....should this blog have a specific focus....knitting, writing, golf, yoga, cooking, fitness????
My answer is I want a place to do all that....and more. So what is this blog and what is its purpose?
I guess I feel like there are more people like me.....in what is called mid-life and exploring life in a different way. This time is a strange combination of emotions and this is a place to sort some of what is happening out.
I feel like I have been putting my toe in the water of many different things but I am not sure if there is just one pool I want to dive into. It feels wonderful to have opportunities to do lots of different things. The challenges I face are more the mental roadblocks I put up in letting myself explore.
In some ways, all the little parts of my life are so scattered. Each part does provide a different energy. I am just not used to having this freedom of choice and the restraint I put on my choices can be upsetting. I am seeing some of the lessons that I needed to experience in my old job coming to new obstacles in my life today. Do I need to get these lessons?? The opportunities seem to happen no matter where I am so I guess that answers the big question.
Life at the oasis is sometimes not so easy!!

You Can Never Go Back

So I have been doing my old job for 6 days in the past month and I have taken migraine medicine five times...ummmm. Interesting. This makes me think I made a good decision in leaving two years ago. I just can't believe how it feels like I never left that job....doing the paper work, dealing with the people, and multi-tasking with the ticking of the running clock. Going into a school ten days before closing is like walking into a minefield.....there is tension, excitement, anxiety and irritability in every step. I really feel grateful for the practice of yoga in my life. It is providing me with a centering and a sense of non-attachment to the crazy dance going on around me. I realize how much doing that job saps me of the energy to do other things in my life.

On a more positive note, Beth came home for a few days and its been great to see her. Beth and her beautiful golden retriever, Jameson, are a match made in heaven and its great to see them together. Hanging out and finding silly things to laugh about are moments of incredible joy for me.
Another moment of joy happened when Jill's godchild finally arrived. Jill's friend had her baby girl and Jill was with her through it all. It is alittle bit of an out of body experience to hear Jill talk about the whole event and think that she is actually old enough to be living this part of her life.

So the title of Never Going Back relates to so many things. I need to take Joy in today.....

Life Goes On

It has been a month since I have blogged.....too long. I am now back doing 10 days in my old job and I realized that at times it feels like I have never left...and on the other hand, that life does go on. I did make the 'right' decision for me in leaving this job two years ago. It is nice to see the people I worked with and some of the students I worked with two years ago but I also know that I don't want to be involved in the crazy dance that happens there. I am really so blessed in my post school life. My challenges and lessons are presented differently but I clearly see similarities in what lessons were presented during my school time and what is happening in my life now. Lessons involve setting boundaries, taking one thing at a time, taking care of others without giving myself away.....there are so many times I have been presented with opportunities to learn these lessons at so many levels.
I have a deeper appreciation for the Yoga teaching I am doing and how good that is for me and for my students. I also need to concentrate on opening myself to more students in my classes and know that what I offer them is important for them.
Life goes on for all of us!

In Conflict

I have been struggling with a decision....and it feels good to finally make the decision and finally let go of the struggle. Its not a big, life altering decision but it will effect my life for three weeks. In my head, I knew that this struggle was another piece of small stuff that really didn't matter but my mind was another matter. The pros and cons of the decision crept into my thoughts when I travelled through my day....even waking me up from a restless sleep, and my first thought was of MY DECISION. Needless to say, alot of emotions surrounded my decision. I was asked to go back to my old job for about three weeks. I knew that I would probably be asked this for some time and have been wavering about the possibility. It was hard to leave the job and it is also hard thinking about going back. Finally I decided that I would do this for many reasons. This is a time when my Artist's Way class has ended and my writing group has ended so there is a window of time here that works. My schedule can be adjusted around my yoga class so that is good.
In talking to the principal, it seems funny that my first day is already planned with a big intake. It felt good to think about program planning for a new student. It has been a while. My thought is to stay positive about this time and to stay centered...it will be a wonderful practice. It will also be great to be with the kids again and experience their wonderful energy. Right now I am not going to think about any negatives!!
My life feels so different now than it did two years ago. I appreciate my schedule and the pace of my life. I also realize that I am looking at new and different things to put into my life for fullness. I don't want to make any big committments so it has been a time of putting my toe in the water for some things and that feels right. As opportunities present themselves I need to go with the flow and be clear and positive about the direction I am moving.
Being in conflict is an uncomfortable place....especially when the conflict resides within. Sometimes it helps to just acknowledge the conflict and now that with time, it will resolve and the path will unfold.

Missing Out

Part of this wonderful mid-life time I feel like I miss out on some things...like fun. I had planned to go out to celebrate my dearest friend's birthday tonight. We were planning a "Girls' Night Out" and I have been looking forward to it. My friend, Anne, does so much for other people and she really enjoys her birthday and the days of celebrations that accompany this time of year. I have been struggling with a wicked headache that turned into a migrane today. I am so disappointed. I know that struggling made it worse but as I watched the clock hoping that the medicine was going to kick in and seeing how much time I 'had left', I think I actually made the headache alot bigger than it needed to be. I know that my friend understands why I can't join them tonight because she has had terrible migranes for years but I still feel such a sense of disappointment and missing out on her big event. I definitely know I will be missing out on an evening of fun.

Friendships are so important all through our lives. Celebrating milestones and happy times is as important as being there when times are tough. So, if I feel that I can join in on the celebration later, I will go with my fuzzy head and have some laughs and wish my wonderful friend a very happy Birthday!!